I haven’t ranted about my mom much here yet, which is odd considering she’s the source of the majority of my anger. Suffice it to say it’s been a lifetime of emotional manipulation, projection, minimization, superiority, convoluted logic, double-standards and outright lies. When backed into a corner she’ll even admit she’s a bully. I’d call Dr. Phil or that jackass Steve Wilkos if I thought she wouldn’t cough a lung onto the stage, because she’d be hilarious on national TV. I regret never having recorded her on audio or video. Regulars to my livestream have heard her in the background enough, heh.
Anyway, it’s been so long and I’ve just become so fed-up, I’m ready to enforce a change, somehow. I’ve spent years trying to implement things I’ve learned, and I’m clearly not the same personality as I was when I was 15. I’ve made a lot of changes, many of them intentional, in an attempt to garner any different behavior from my mother. Turns out she treats me with the same amount of respect when I’m going to college and peacefully living at home with no outside life and 0 dangerous behaviors (aside from fear of emotional outbreaks – ie. I hurt myself when I get upset, punch/break stuff, bash my head in walls n stuff) as she does when I’m raging attitude and pushy opinions and throwing fits about everythi — oops did I just describe her? Yeah… reacting doesn’t change the way the talks to me, -not- reacting doesn’t change it, I don’t know what to do.
I had a fuss with her a few days ago that really is the last straw for me. I insist. I finally insist that I be treated with some respect, and that she may not lash out at me when she’s embarrassed at herself (projection). I said everything, but I’m sure it fell on intentionally deaf ears. It keeps roiling around in my head. So I wrote it out, what I want to say to her. That I already said to her face. It won’t do any good, but I had to write it and I had to post it.
Thank you to anyone who reads this and has permitted me to share this part of me that I never get to really get over.
You can’t say “You need to get counseling” as a tool to dismiss all of my issues and then follow that statement up with “We can’t afford help”. If we can’t afford a counselor, we still need to learn how to change our behavior. If we had a counselor, they would be telling us in what ways we need to change in order to behave better towards each other. This is something we need to do regardless of whether we have professional help. The fact that we do not is not an excuse.
This means that whether we have a therapist or counselor or not, we will be learning how to identify negative and positive behaviors. We will come to understand how these behaviors affect our loved ones and we will learn what empathy is and why it is important. We will learn what projection is and why we must no longer participate in it.
Because whether we learn these things or not, our behavior must change. I will not live in some simultaneous multiverse wherein you hold expectations for me that you do not permit me to reach. No longer will “you need to get counseling” be used as a way to brush off the work you would have to do if we had one. You can’t have it both ways.
In summary: If we had a counselor, s/he would tell you that you have to change your behavior.