32, divorced and about to go back to school

32 divorced and about to go back to school

How cliche` is that? I’m a rolling blob of overlapping stereotypes. Loser drop-out stoner gamer. Short redhead. And I mean *short*. Like I’d kill for 5 feet. Then again, I wear a size 6 shoe which makes all the cholas jealous. Then *again* I wear size 16 jeans so big fat ‘MEH’ xD I’ve got a big rack, nice tits. I wish I could take them off when not in use, but I’m sure I’m not the first to fantasize about that. It certainly projects an image at all times whether it’s relevant to the content of a situation or not, so I suppose it’s important to mention when speaking of the stereotypes I embody.

I’m 32, I was married at 19, and divorced by gosh I don’t even remember honestly. Was just a paper to sign I got in the mail anyway; I hadn’t been living with him for a few years. Not since the CPS tornado, but that I think is a subject for another post.

So I feel like a cliche`. I’m about to finish my GED and enter into a tradeschool to become certified in several medical technician, uh, things, with the goal of for once in my life earning the kind of money that can afford health insurance. Service industry is the last peasant class left in society, and I refuse to belong to it anymore. With enough resources I would work to fight against it, but first I need help of my own. I’m absolutely fed up with a lifetime of daily untreated depression. There is no way to access genuine treatment unless you’re rich enough – the government behavioral healthcare in my state only cares about drug addiction. Because I dare to admit marijuana use, that then becomes the focus of all ‘programs’. But again I digress, this gripe will surely come up when I get to dealing with social services.

So I’m a cliche`. I’m smart, artistic, creative, all the things people tell little girls they can be while simultaneously showing them all that they may *not* be. Recently while debating to myself whether to choose medical tech or computer programming, I posted said quandary on my facebook page (feeling I had no better outlet for interaction, yay for limiting myself!) and my exhusband responded with ‘You should try kungfu!’ I blinked at the message for a moment, resisting the urge to scream “WOW NOT RELEVANT AT ALL” and then responded with a more passive-aggressive “aha lol well, College America doesn’t offer bachelor degrees in kungfu xP”. I really should have known subtlety would be lost. His response: “How ’bout anthropology. You could do field work in the northern sonoran desert!” at which I finally blew my lid. I think this is pretty much when I realized that if I don’t express myself, if I live the rest of my life swallowing everything I feel or think, letting every offense go, I am going to die. No hyperbole intended.

“For fucks sake doesn’t anyone listen to what I say? I specifically stated what the options were, and later implied that my ONLY choices are what “College Amercia” offers. Let’s all just come up with random bullshit ideas that do nothing to help me, just like we’ve all done all my life! Wishful thinking, THATS WHAT RENA LIVES ON.”

Yeah why don’t I just go do my favorite thing ever I always wanted to do since I first learned to read, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE. Where do I sign up?

Now, resisting the urge to be *really* bitter (or at least, to display it) I wanted to say “Call me if you ever fracture your hand and need a cast – I’ll buy you a new guitar, I know how much you love to play.”

So I’m a cliche`. Here I am bitching about my exhusband, when in reality I hardly think of him. I just can’t seem to get over the way that everyone in my life has smiles and ideas and fun conversation but it’s all navel-gazing and never goes anywhere. I’m 32 and everyone in my life has known I have depression and not one person has said “Hey here’s how to get insurance or here’s a program that doesn’t focus on religion or drug use but actually addresses your psychological issues”. So you know what, fuck it, I will damn do it myself. And yes you’ll say “Well you should do it yourself, you’re the only one you should rely on, you don’t need other people to validate you, blah-ddy blah yackety schmackedy I get by just fine with all the loving people in my life” etc puke gag-me-with-a-spoon plz.

People need people. Period. There’s scientific evidence for this fact. We are a social species and without cooperation and empathy our species would not be so diverse and adaptable – were it to exist for long at all. And I won’t allow myself to believe I’m weaker because I need people to give me a reason to be. Those who would think that have no idea how much emotional support they already have.

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